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Statistics show that people who have sex regularly tend to have stronger immune
systems, are less likely to be depressed, and live longer. Marriages in which
the kitchen has not replaced the bedroom also tend to last longer and be more
satisfying.
"Sex is fun," says Hanne Blank, author of Big Big Love: A Sourcebook on Sex for
People of Size and Those Who Love Them . "Sex is good for you. Sex is
good for PMS. Sex is part of what we do socially as human beings."
And while movies, television, and advertising would have us believe that sex is
only for the svelte, keep in mind that statistics show two-thirds of Americans
are overweight or obese. Yet people keep getting married. Babies keep getting
born. Someone out there is still "doing it" and presumably enjoying the heck
out of it, weight or no weight.
Who's In Charge -- Hollywood or You?
"We are just on the wrong side of the world and the wrong era," says Rina
Valan-Hudson, who founded a company called Fantasia Home Parties to bring women
of size together to buy the latest in marital aids and lingerie. She says
today's "real woman" would go over big (so to speak) on the curve-loving island
of Fiji or in the era of the Baroque artist Peter Paul Rubens.
Of course, Hollywood and Madison Avenue don't help, with all the Size 0s running
around.
"This is a very prejudiced society against weight," says Hale Dwoskin, author of
the motivational bestseller, The Sedona Method . The method is not a
diet, but a way of programming negatives out of your life. Thinking you're fat,
and therefore unattractive, would be one of those negatives.
"Let's face it," Blank says, "body parts are body parts. There are only so many
ways you can rearrange them. The problem is not the sex, but getting to
the sex, meaning getting past people's preconceptions."
Those people, she adds, include the heavy person him -- or herself. "We do a
good job of policing ourselves," she says. "There are plenty of men and women
who like the feel of a more substantial person."
"We are obsessed with bodies!" Dwoskin says. "Everyone has secret shame and
disapproval of some part of their body. No one wants to get naked, and this
includes thin people. Everyone can be free of this."
How to Break Free
Dwoskin's method of letting go of stress and negative feelings is based on three
questions. Once you take a look at why you are not having sex (fear,
self-disgust, anticipation of what your partner might feel), you ask yourself:
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"Could I let this go?"
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"Will I let this go?"
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Then: "When?"
If you bring your underlying emotions to the surface, you become more "present,"
he says. "Everyone wants a date or bedmate who is present and engaged."
Here are some other ideas for getting past the negative feelings that can
inhibit romance:
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Focus on parts of your body you do
like. Befriend your graceful hands or strong arms. Appreciate the curves of
your slim ankles.
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Accept yourself as you are. This doesn't mean you can't change. But wanting to
change something, Dwoskin says, keeps us focused on the negative (the thing we
want to change). Change comes when you focus on the positive. "Self-acceptance
makes it easier to change."
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Remember, you are perfect, even if you don't think so. You will also be perfect
when you lose 25 pounds, but not more perfect.
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Quit seeking approval -- or, the flip side, expecting disapproval. Could you do
that? Would you? When?
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Just let go. Dwoskin teaches the art of surrender -- and where is that more
appropriate than in bed?
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Blank, who has also written a book of larger-size erotica, says you should
suspend your disbelief. Yes, that cute guy may be talking to you! That sexy
babe may indeed want to buy you a drink! "Look at all the married people," she
laughs. "They weren't all models when they got married and then put on weight."
If you still can't get past what you see in the mirror, Valan-Hudson reminds us
is that vision is just one of the five senses. Heavier people may be orally
oriented (in sex, this can be intriguing, yes?). Tactilely, they possess
interesting curves and sensual spots. "You can really get into the touch
thing," she says. Lotions and scents can tease the sense of smell.
The sense of hearing can also be sensual -- especially if the two lovers are
talking openly about their likes and dislikes. Married people, especially, need
to communicate more about sex, Dwoskin says. "This is the sexiest thing you can
do."
No time for a heart-to-heart at night? Try for a morning delight. "Honey, you
know, it kind of hurts when you do that." You get the idea.
Dwoskin also recommends not concentrating on your partner so much, but taking
pleasure in your own sensations. If your partner is satisfying you, he or she
will be satisfied, he says. The key is to stop worrying about that bulge that
might be showing (which is probably the farthest thing from the mind of your
partner, who is having sex, after all) and start feeling the sex. "Let go of
guilt, fear, shame and self-consciousness," he says.
If you are shy about sex, Valan-Hudson suggests reviving your enjoyment of
touch. Get some massages, facials, pedicures. (She also recommends
strategically placed pillows when you do get to the main event. )
For those who are just getting into (or getting back into) the dating game,
Valan-Hudson says, finding your romance groove can be a long process. You have
nothing to lose by trying, though, she says. "If you are fun-loving, be
fun-loving," she recommends. "Make eye contact. Not all men or women like a
skinny partner. Everyone has an ego; pay attention to the person."
And once you get started down the road to romance, it becomes a healthy cycle.
"The more sex you get, the more you will want," Valan-Hudson notes.
Back to Those Sexy Scanties
Buying new lingerie can make you feel sexier. But Valan-Hudson says heavier
women often think they need to buy the sort of getups you might see in an
X-rated film -- garter belts and the like. Of course, you can get this
type of outfit; even Victoria's Secret is carrying realistic sizes these days.
Or you could create your own sexy style.
"My first recommendation is buy a good, sexy bra," Valan-Hudson says. "This is
your base, then you can add a couple of items on top. A nightie or peignoir,
perhaps. "Go with what makes you feel sexy," she says (he might even prefer
your Scooby Doo t-shirt!).
Emphasize your favorite body part. If you have great legs, get a slinky gown cut
"up to there." If see-through is not you, get a drapey silk gown, cut on the
bias. But don't wear anything that makes you uncomfortable, emotionally or
physically. If you do buy a bustier, make sure you can breathe in it
(breathlessness should come later).
You could wear some of this under a robe -- or even a raincoat, Valan-Hudson
laughs. "Leave something to be discovered."
What you might (re)discover is how much fun sex is. "I tell people the five
secrets to great sex are communication, communication, communication, a sense
of humor, and lubrication," laughs Blank.
By Jean Lawrence
Reviewed By Kathleen Zelman, MPH, RD, July 25, 2007.
Originally published Friday, February 06, 2004.
Medically updated July 25, 2007.
SOURCES: Hanne Blank, author, Big Big Love: A Sourcebook
on Sex for People of Size and Those Who Love Them and Zaftig:
Well-Rounded Erotica . Hale Dwoskin, author, The Sedona Method
. Rina Valan-Hudson, founder, Fantasia Home Parties.
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